You are honestly the best friend I could ever ask for.

Seriously.

Can I sue you for being so PERFECT?

You just…get me…

I love it.

DUDE,

Iowa is awesome. It’s like one of the best states in the United!

You’re ridiculous!

I’m gonna spend the day getting wasted.

‘Why?’ you ask.

Because I can.

MIND YO BUSINESS NIGGA DAMN!

<3

Might as well make it right now…

…stop dragging this out to snail-like speeds. I’m gonna destroy you sir. So why don’t you stop pretending like I’m the coolest girl you’ve met on this side of the Mississippi and get over it.

Sir I am a man-eater. I’ll chew you up until there’s nothing left and spit you out…

And when I spit you out, you’ll be left with nothing. You’ll be…nothing. It’s a skill I’d hate to keep.

But maybe (and that is a maybe) you’ll be just the venom I need. King Cobra of sorts.

“Bring me your enemies, lay them before me and walk away. Walk away. Walk away!” - Firefly

I’d very much like to activate that now.

This shit is starting to annoy the absolute fuck outta me.

I’m funny. I’m charismatic. I’m outgoing. I’m fun. At least I suppose I am. This is what I’m told! Don’t think I’m some cocky self-absorbed asshole because I’m not.

But it’s agitating how I keep taking the complete blame for everything going wrong here. I didn’t invite a NEW fucking housemate into the situation like some people. A housemate who might I add doesn’t do SHIT. But somehow this is still my fucking fault? You kick me out like everything is going to magically fucking fix itself. NO!

Your wife is still going to fucking hate you for being a slut. You’re still not gonna have steady work. You’re still gonna act like FUCKING CHILD. No one here is STILL gonna work or clean up. You’re not gonna have shit!

So with that being said…I’ll disappear. I’ll turn my invisible belt on. And just watch how you’re still unhappy.

TAKE A FUCKING HINT AND REALIZE THE PROBLEM ISN’T EVERYONE AROUND YOU. THE PROBLEM IS YOU ASSHOLE!